Prayers and Turkey Basters.

Just a quick post today asking for a quick favor:

I have several friends who've either JUST been sperminated or who are preparing to be sperminated in the near future.

Will you please say a quick prayer to whomever your Higher power may be.

I'll even provide you with the prayer. I know you are busy people and I want to make sure you do this. So, I'm prepared to provide you with all the necessary tools.

Before you begin to recite the prayer below, it might show you mean business if you go to the kitchen and get your turkey baster. All you have to do is hold it while you pray. I'm not saying that'll be the deciding factor, but if there's a chance it might help my friends get knocked up, I'm not above asking you to do it. Please and thank you.

Dear _________:

Please make sure all of Heather's lesbian friends get shot up with super strong, competitive sperm. I also lift all eggs in question up to you and ask that they be receptive to sperm as it's very probable that they have no idea what the substance is. Let them not be afraid or confused, but rather open and willing to invite the sperm in. Let the sperm be good sperm, of noble character and wicked good looks.

Amen.

Thanks guys. I really 'preciate you.

Wait until you see what I plan on asking you when I'm ready to procreate....

ps: Lee Knight and Dana, I'm following your voyage into mommyhood and loving every minute of it! Congrats on the new addition :)

PSS: Okay, for those of you who know me, you know I'm not kidding when I say I hate it when people are funnier than me. My ego withers up and dies a little every time it happens. That being said, I can admit when it occurs. Which explains why I am including Joshua's comment on my actual blog post because I'm afraid it won't get the adulation it deserves if left as a mere comment. This is fucking brilliant. He wrote:

Our Sperm, who art in utero, hallowed be thy Name. Thy donor cum, his will be done, in vitro as it was in plastic cup.

Give us this day our fertile sperm. And forgive us our turkey basters. Lead us not into stagnation, but deliver us an infant. For thine is the inseminate, and the power, and the glory, Amen