Green + Bleu = Hilarity on the Cape.

I was absent yesterday for good reason.

It takes a lot of time to put together a care package for BIG LOVE Mike. He's a Blackhawk fighter pilot and in Iraq for the third time.

THIRD TIME, people.

I created something SO freaking fantabulous I can't wait to share it. But Mike has to see it first. He reads my blog (Hi, BIG LOVE) so I can't post a picture of it until I get word he laughed so hard he farted.

For now, back to our adventures on the Cape.

'Member how I said in an earlier post Patty is a bit shy and uncomfortable with any talk about feminine hygiene products, sexual acts or anything that rhymes with a word used to describe either of those things?



God love her. We were relentless.

Example:

Our first day on the boat, we all packed a change of clothes in a dry bag. As we were pulling into Martha's Vineyard and I began digging for my things, Patty told me no less than four times not to pull out her underwear.

"You mean THESE?"

I couldn't help it people. It would have KILLED me not to do it. And although Patty was mortified, I don't think she'd have wanted me to die.

A few days after our panties-on-the-boat incident, we were stuck at home thanks to r-r-r-rain.

April wanted to shop at the high end stores just down the road. I elected to stay home and chill. I'd rather cut off my left tit than shop with April. She can spend hours inspecting clothes, nails, shoes, even shampoo. HOURS. And still come out of a store with nothing.

Makes me crazy.

Kat decided to live dangerously and accompany April.

"May the force be with you," I muttered as they headed out.

Several hours later, Kat called. They were ready to meet us at Bleu, the bar Margaret and Patty billed as having the best pomegranate martinis on the planet.

"Okay, we'll be right there. So, tell me Kat, what did Apes buy?"

"Are you ready for this? You should probably sit down Heather. We were at the Green Design Center and April bought....light bulbs and detergent."



"Shocking. Well, Thank GOD she bought both of those items. I don't think they sell them in Virginia."

"Apparently one light bulb will last twenty years. It was actually a really cool store - all recycled stuff."

"Uh huh. Better you than me. We're heading to the bar now."

Margaret, Patty and I piled into the van and made our way to Bleu. I managed to work the word tampon into the conversation no less than six times.

If you've never seen a person turn purple, it's really kind of cool.

So is the bar at Bleu. It was fairly empty when we arrived. Not a lot of martini drinkers at 3pm.

I figured the bartender (who was very cute) would either love us or be totally annoyed by us.

Thankfully she seemed to love inappropriate humor and loud cackling. She even played along right off the bat.

Everyone but Apes ordered their martinis right away. When the bartender turned to April, I said:

"Be prepared. She'll have a lot of questions and want you to recommend a drink based on caloric count, color and size."

"That's not true! But I do have one question..."

Laughter. Loud laughter.

The bartender tried to save Apes.

"Go ahead. Ignore them. What's your question?"

"Do you have a key lime martini with crushed graham cracker you can put on the rim of the glass?"

This from a girl who NEVER drinks. We were dying.

Anything else with that? A lounge chair? Manicure?

Even the bartender laughed. Loudly.

She didn't have the graham crackers, but she did make a mean key lime martini.

Margaret offered to go get the graham crackers out of her car but Apes said it wasn't necessary.

The bartender asked if we needed anything else. I turned to see April chugging her martini and I said:

"Nope. Just a stroller to carry her outta here."

The more we drank, the louder we got and the more people we annoyed. Somehow, without our knowledge, the bar filled up.

There was a guy at the end of the bar who clearly was uncomfortable sitting so close to a group of lesbians. He probably thought it was catching. You should have seen how closely he guarded his wife.

The bartender only encouraged us. She brought us a shot.

T R O U B L E.

It didn't take long for us to turn on Patty.

"TAMPON!"

I don't think we were screaming it. Too loudly.

Patty was nearly under her bar stool.

We continued to discuss words that others find embarrassing and I think Patty was having chest pains.

In an attempt to refocus the conversation on something less horrific for her, she said to April:

"So, April, why don't you tell us more about your G-store."

It is not an exaggeration to say that I nearly fell off my stool.

"Wow. I've heard of a G-spot, but there's a G-STORE? Shit. Who knew! Apes, you've been holding out on me!"

We were crying. Gasping for breath. Even the bartender.

Patty was crying for a completely different reason. I'm pretty sure she was rethinking not drowning me on that first day out on the water.

"I meant the Green Store! Or wherever it was she bought that stuff!"

We weren't listening.

As soon as we were able to calm ourselves down and pay our bill, we stumbled out of Bleu, much to the relief of Patty and the guy at the end of the bar.

But she did it again.

Right outside the bar.

There was a huge crack of thunder, signifying another big storm, and Patty said, innocently:

"Great! I've been wet all week!"

I have a picture of my reaction to this. As soon as April sends it to me, I'll post it.

I've never laughed so hard in all my life.

I swear it