The Truth. Or Something Like It.

Both Kat and Janet roped me into doing one of those "tell us 7 random facts about yourself" posts and I'm not sure I can do it.

At least not honestly.

It's not that I don't want to. I'm just not sure I have anything new to share after 410 posts.

Nothing that's true, anyway. I can make up all kinds of stuff.

I'm going to give it a go, though. I'll leave it up to you to decide if I'm telling the truth or not.

1) Sarah Palin totally came on to me in a public bathroom. I thought it was weird when I saw this really expensive Naughty Monkey pump work it's way into my stall, but I shrugged and tried to hand over a wad of toilet paper. I figured that's what the lady was asking for. Imagine my surprise when, instead of taking the toilet paper, she handed me a loaded gun and a rabbit's foot. A REAL rabbit's foot. The whole thing made me uncomfortable and I told her so. When I asked if she was REALLY coming on to me, she simply winked and said "You Betcha!" Then she was gone. Just like that. Weird, I know.

2)I'm dying to go see Bette Midler in Vegas before she ends her run at Caesar's Palace. I've idolized Bette ever since I can remember and still know every word from the movie Beaches. One of my favorite songs has always been The Rose and if I don't hear her perform it live, it's possible my entire life will be ruined...which puts a small amount of pressure on Apes, but....


3) My teeth have always been too big for my small mouth (shut up). I'm serious. As a kid, I had loads of teeth pulled because when my permanent teeth started to come in, they were gi-normous. When my two front munchers appeared, the dentist pulled the two baby teeth on either side to allow adequate room. I was called bugs bunny for a good six months. I mastered the art of ventriloquist speak so no one could see my teefers...

4) I could get in big trouble for sharing this, but I was Tom Cruise's first choice. Before Katie Holmes. Before Scarlett Johansson. I turned him down and I think the reason is obvious. I was totally fine with the whole crazy Scientology thing, but when he told me his plans to jump on Oprah's couch, I couldn't go through with it. It just seemed a bit over the top and creepy. The rest, as they say, is history.

5) Whenever April and I are playing any type of board game and I'm loosing, I scream "BOOBIES!"

6) I was earning some extra money in college by babysitting and had several regular kiddos. I was sitting for Hayden one Saturday and decided to take the little guy out for a stroll. There we were, be-bopping along, when a man walking his dog passed us. I waved and told Hayden to say "Hello." He opened his mouth, but instead of parroting my greeting, he said: "He is a boy. He has a penis!" My mind drew a blank. All I could think to do was say, to Hayden, "Yes he is and does." To the shocked dog walker, all I could muster was, "He isn't mine." I told Hayden's parents about the incident later that night and learned they'd just had the "mommy and daddy have different parts" talk with their son. All you parents gotta give your babysitters a heads up....Seriously.

7) My mother once owned a backless denim jumper. Sigh.

So, them's the facts. I may or may not have made some of 'em up.

I won't TAG anyone to do this exercise, but if you decide to do it, lemme know. If your seven facts are better than mine, I may have to adjust my memory and embellish more.

Okay, so my friend Honest Ape just did this and, um, go read it. Now.