Ummmm.....

Ring. Ring.

(Heather, calling Wachovia):

"Hi, this is G, thank you for calling Wachovia, how can I help you?"

"Hey G, my name is Heather and I'm calling to let you know that my partner and I are cruising the Western Carribean next week and I want to make sure there isn't a hold placed on the cards."

"Oh, okay."

Silence.

"So you're calling to make sure you don't have any trouble with your cards?"

"Yep."

"So have you already called to make sure there isn't a problem with your cards?"

"No, that's why I'm calling now."

"Oh, okay. Can you hold for a second?"

"Sure."

Waiting. Waiting.

"Thanks for holding, Heather."

"No worries."

"So, you want to make sure there isn't a problem with your card? Right?"

"Riiiiiiiiiight."

"Okay, that's easy and no problem. I'll just need some information from you..."

Help me.

Start Your Engines!

Tonight, Apes and I are hosting a private house party for musician K.C. Clifford.

Two words:

AMA - ZING.

We'll all gather 'round the fireplace, circling K.C. and her husband David, as she strums her guitar, fills us in on the inspiration for her magnetic lyrics and treats us to the tingly tone of her voice.

My challenge: WHERE AM I GONNA SEAT ALL THESE PEOPLE?!

I've arranged and re-arranged my living room twice (...funny how you THINK you clean your house, but move a piece of furniture and find enough dog hair to knit a sweater...)

In addition to planning for all these people, I'm packing Apes and I for our next adventure.

Uh huh.

Apes WON an Olivia cruise! (apparently there are lots of sweepstake winners, so if'n you want a great vacation, I highly suggest hitting up their website and entering to win one of their upcoming trips. We only had to pay taxes/port fees).

Normally we wouldn't be taking off again so quickly after our last trip, but FREE is FREE and we know better than to kick a gift horse in the mouth...that would be rude and unconscionable.

We'll either leave after the concert tonight or at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow. We'll drive 10 hours to Jacksonville, FL and spend the night..get up, drive to Ft. Lauderdale and boogie right onto the ship.

I'm more than a little excited.

I won't be able to blog from my phone (unless I'm willing to pay $96,342 for each post) - but I WILL be taking loads of photos.

I know you're shocked at that. Me. Photos....

Have a great week, kids!

PS - I'll also be posting photos and video of KC! Stay tuned :)

Hard Times.

Courtesy of my friend, Brian T:

"You know the economy is bad when you see kids trying to text each other on an Etch-a-Sketch!"



Frickin' genius.

Nightmare. On April Street.

Picture it:

Early Sunday morning, the sun was still slumbering.

So were we.

Slowly, sounds knocked on my conscious.

Opening my eyes seemed to bring the noise into focus.

Sounded like...crying?

I perched myself up on my elbows, turned my head to look at April and immediately became alarmed.

Her eyes were closed, but she was gasping and making whining noises.

She was dreaming. And crying.

"Hey," I gently tousled her hair. "Apes...Apes - are you okay?"

Slow stirring of her arms and head.

"April, wake up, honey. Wake up. What's wrong?"

In a voice that could have come from a five-year-old, she said, "I had a bad dream!"

"I know," I said, truly concerned. "What was it?"

Still upset and in a groggy state, she explained what caused her such unrest.

"A friend was over at the house and for no reason at ALL, he dropped acid on our hardwood floors!"

"Huh?" I truly couldn't compute.

"He did! He spilled acid on our floors and there was nothing I could do. I just had to stand there and watch as the floors I spent a fortune on dissolved right in front of me. It wasn't fair! Acid even got on my face!"

"And your face is second to the HARDWOOD FLOORS?"

Still whining, she replied: "I just figured my skin would grow back. Those floors were expensive and I had to move everything out of the rooms! EVERYTHING."

"Okay, April. Night Night."

"Night."

Nightmare. On April Street.

You Gotta See the U-Haul Video!

It's no secret...lesbians and U-Hauls are nearly synonymous.

In fact, as a group, most of us have warmly embraced the moving company AND the joke: "it's what lesbians bring on a second date."

A couple years ago, a few of my friends brainstormed lesbian tag-lines for U-Haul and the prize went to Jess, who came up with:

"Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt."

Truth be told, I thought Jess's contribution would be the last original twist on a very old stereotype.

I was wrong.

I'd yet to be introduced to U-Haul: The Music Video, five minutes and thirty-three seconds of pure genius, written and performed by Amy Turner and Kathryn Lounsbery, creators of the original music and comedy show, That's What She Said.

You. Must. Watch. This. Video. (and continue reading to catch my article and interview with Amy and Kathryn):



Hysterical, right? Tell me you watched it more than once.

My girlfriend knows the second she hears me sing, "Beep! Beep!" that I'm coming for her boobies. She's like one of Pavlov's dogs. Trained.

So, how do two of the funniest, most talented lesbians on the planet meet and form an original music and comedy show dedicated to making the world smile, one dyke at a time?

The stars aligned for these two in 2006 after Kathryn saw Amy perform at the LA improv comedy club, Second City. The two hit it off (and by hit it off, I mean they've since U-Hauled themselves) and quickly found a niche composing original songs from a variety of genres that poke fun at lesbian stereotypes including: over-processed emotions, the ultimate creature on earth - the beaver, and of course, the U-Haul.

With enough original songs celebrating the quirks and stereotypes of lesbian culture under their fanny packs - I mean, belts - Amy and Kathryn created the That's What She Said Show which premiered in November 2007 to sold out audiences across California.

Word spread quickly about this talented duo and Olivia recently booked That's What She Said to entertain throngs of lesbians in Ixtapa, Mexico, this past January.

So, ya'll are clearly destined to be over-the-top-famous. How exactly did the Olivia booking come about?

Getting booked through Olivia was one of our top goals. As soon as we had a DVD of our show, we sent it to Olivia (in a red pleather fanny pack, no less). This past October, during our run in San Francisco, we were lucky enough to have Olivia's production manager see our show. A few weeks later, we were booked at the Club Med resort in Ixtapa, Mexico. It was a truly beautiful experience being with those women. Performing for them was an honor.

When did it click that you two, as a team, had something special and unique to offer audiences?

I think we realized it when we fully hoisted our freak flags and set out to write completely original material. When we started out, we were going to take pre-existing songs and change the words ever-so-slightly to make them gay. We both have backgrounds in improv and the more we explored original ideas, the more fun we had. Exactly one year after we started writing, we had a short "workshop" performance for about 40 people in a small rehearsal space in Hollywood. Our material hadn't ever seen the light of day. We really didn't know if other people would find our work to be interesting or funny. But the audience reaction was huge. We always tell people that we went in to that performance with an embryo of a show and by the end, a hulking toddler with a backpack emerged. (...because that's not creepy).

Maybe just a leeetle creepy...But that's totally the kind of thing hot, funny lesbians can get away with saying...

What does it look like when you guys begin collaborating on a new song? There's gotta be a trick to taking stereotypes we've all heard before and making them fresh and achingly funny.

This is the moment where we should divulge our secret third member: a small Olympus digital voice recorder. Every rehearsal and writing session that has ever taken place between us has been recorded. Usually we are at the piano with Amy holding the Olympus. We talk, we play, we sing, we laugh, we get frustrated with each other, we go on tangents, and we push ourselves as much as possible. We take our songwriting seriously and hold each sentence, each word, each musical phrase up to a lens and wonder "is this as good as it can be?" As much as we can, we stay away from the easy jokes - which is not to say that we don't use them. We also stay away from foul language. Our show has one swear word in it: bitch. And, in our defense, we had to use it since it's in the U-Haul rap and what else rhymes with hitch? Our backs were up against the wall. Forgive us.

Hey, I live with a bar of soap in my mouth, so forgiveness comes easy from me.

Kathryn, when you were growing up, studying piano, did it ever occur to you that you'd end up composing songs about beavers, fanny packs, mixed tapes and U-Hauls? Frankly, I think I might have stuck with piano lessons if my instructor had told me ALL of the possibilities...

Funny you should ask! At my first piano lesson (age 5) I told my teacher I wanted to write a song about sexual roles in lesbian relationships. Crazy, right? I can't say that this show in particular ever occurred to me, but I always knew that I wanted to do something "different." My training has been entirely classical and very traditional. That world and that life was always very difficult for me. I got as far as a master's degree in piano and finally admitted to myself that a career in classical piano just wasn't what I wanted. Meeting Amy lit a fire under my classical ass and unleashed years of creativity that always wanted to come out.

Have you encountered anyone who has taken offense to your making light of stereotypes? How have you handled it?

As far as we know, no one has taken offense. On occasion, straight people will say we need to provide them with a legend or some kind of key to help them understand. We've discussed this at length but we really feel that if an audience member comes to our show with an open mind, with no "gay filter" over their eyes and their ears, they will understand 75% of what we deal with. A relationship is a relationship. There is something for everyone in this show.

Stereotypes are borne from slivers of honesty. Which stereotype do each of you most closely identify with?

We both identify with all of the stereotypes in the show - I think that's why it's hard to take offense. They come from personal experience.

Kathryn: That said, I think I can most identify with "KatPhone" (the song from our show about the "super-ex"). That song came from my life. There was a time when I had three different exes calling me on a regular basis for advice and input. I think I also identify with over-processed emotions. I'm a talker. Guilty!

Amy: I think the main thing is the over-processey-uber-sensitive things we take jabs at. That is very much me and it is quite a relief to have an outlet to bring levity to such a stereotype. We do sing about beavers but, I'll be honest, I have never even seen a beaver. Guilty.

If ya'll weren't funny, what would you be? I mean, if you had to pick?

Kathryn: Alternate universe careers for me include teacher, journalist and/or film composer.

Amy: Painter, social worker, baker.

What are your plans for touring outside of California? Is there anything your fans can do to help make it happen?

We have a lot of awesome friends and fans in the Midwest, so expect to see us in Chicago, Madison, Milwaukee and Tennessee. Portland is a new goal as is Tucson. We also want to head East - - to NYC, to Provincetown, to Asheville. The best thing people can do is write and tell us what local venues would work for us (55-99 seat theaters, supper clubs, cabaret spaces).

We can be reached at our Facebook or Myspace pages.

If you are a Dinah Shore girl, there's a very good chance you could see That's What She Said during the lez fest weekend if YOU HELP THEM GET THERE.

Currently their U-Haul masterpiece is one of 25 videos competing online in the "Dinah Idol" contest. The top five finalists get to perform live and the winner opens for the Indigo Girls. Currently they are in 5th place. THEY NEED YOUR VOTE!

You will need to sign up for an account, but it's so worth it. You only have to vote once - and do it sometime between now and March 1.

Click HERE to send That's What She Said to Dinah Shore.

I mean, I voted and fully expect to be credited with bringing them fame and fortune. You too can ride their flannel coat tails - but you gotta VOTE!

I think I'll go rent and park a U-Haul in my driveway. I'm that inspired.

Wrappin it Up.

I'm forcing myself to wrap up my Hawaii pics and videos. Ya'll have been very kind, allowing me to relive my trip in giant, photographic detail.

But enough is enough.

So, after today, it's back to studying April and her idiosyncrasies. She's thrilled.

I keep telling her I would write about my own, if I had any...

That's neither here nor there (or, as April would say, "that's neither a rabbit nor a frog").

Back to Hawaii.

After experiencing the surf myself, North Shore bolted to the top of my list of things to do. I wanted to go watch professional surfers ride gnarly waves.

Worked out perfectly because Cory and Jenny wanted to mountain bike near the North Shore, so they dropped Apes and I off with the kids before heading out to pop wheelies in the lush Maui terrain.

Look at this view. Look at it. Look at it again. Gorgeous, right?


Was the perfect place for us because the rock wall created little pools of water for the kids to play in. We weren't about to let them get close to the shoreline - not after reading warnings about how unpredictable the surf could be along this stretch of beach.

The pools of water were perfect for ALL the kids...




Apes and got Cassie got busy building a sand castle...


But not just any sand castle. Uh uh. Theirs had trees, a garden and cars.


At one point, I left to go get us some hot dogs. I came back to find Cassie like this:


Perhaps a few of my favorite pictures from the trip:




The day before we left, we headed down the beach toward Black Rock. Apes and Cory were itching to jump.

Before they could leap, we had an obligation to the kids...

Again.


This time we got a little creative (what could they do, they were buried and stuck. We deserved to have some fun at their expense. And we DO love football...)






We also took video of the adorable Cassie. When I miss her little voice, I watch this. It helps.


Here are videos of Cory and April jumping of Black Rock. Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to rotate the videos (grr). I know it's annoying to watch them sideways. My apologies.

Cory:


Apes (she jumps around the :30 second mark):


The uber-proud duo, showing off:


Perhaps the thing, other than surfing, I looked forward to the MOST was whale watching. Apparently February is the best time to take a whale watching tour - it's mating season.

Unfortunately, the day we went, the waters were really choppy and we didn't see many whales, but the ones we saw were breathtaking. They'd breach, meaning, they'd propel their bodies completely out of the water, not far from our boat.

I actually teared up every time it happened. Being that close to nature is so humbling. It happened too fast for us to snap pictures, but I was able to find a video on You Tube (they slow down the video somewhere in the middle, explaining the weirdness).



Now you know why we looked like this for two hours:









April's parting shot...


Our last day, we did the famous Road to Hana.

Hana offers some of the most spectacular scenery found anywhere in the Hawaiian islands, but the road is long and winding, with more than 600 curves and 54 bridges. It's only 53 miles from Kahului Airport to Hana, but it usually takes about 2½ to 3 hours to make the drive.

Apes and I joined Johnny and Terri in the convertible on a rather windy day...please note our "wind tossled locks":





whatever.


Purty Scenery:




Perfect trip. Perfect girl.

From Luaus to Look Outs.

You have no idea how difficult it's been for me to cull through our MOO-COO pictures and pick the best ones.

No idea.

There was so much to see, do and sit in astonishment of.

Like this banyan tree. THIS IS ONE TREE (and my photo only shows a portion of it).



According to this website, the Banyan Tree was first planted in April, 1873, and marked the 50th Anniversary of Christian missionary work in Lahaina. The tree was imported from India and was only 8 feet tall. It now stands more than 60 feet high, has 12 major trunks in addition to a huge core. It stretches over a 200-foot area and shades 2/3 of an acre.

Of course I had to get some kiddo loving while doing a bit of tree climbing...


We attended a luau one night and it was so much fun. All except for watching them pull an actual pig out of the ground (where it had been cooking). I couldn't watch or bring myself to take a picture of it.

April getting leid (please proceed with off-color jokes. I expect them):


Cassie was obviously very excited to spend the evening with her Aunt Heather:


I don't think I need to tell you who's behind the mask...


A rare picture of Jenny and Cory without kids in lap:


The guy behind me was demonstrating how to get juice from a coconut. Interesting, but I prefer the "Hey, can I have a pina colada" technique better.



I tried to twirl the little ball things, but succeeded only in knocking myself in the head. I was way better than April, though....





We were also taught how to tie sarongs. I liked mine...April was a bit worried about what a breeze might do to her fabric...





Terri couldn't resist, she had to put a flower behind Johnny's ear:


Here's just a tiny sample of the show (lemme tell you, these hips don't lie...)



April had to have this pic. Who am I to deny her?


The next morning we got up at the butt crack of dawn to drive several hours to catch the sunset at the top of Haleakala.

I'm not a morning person. EVER.

I repeat, EVER.

However, I agreed to leave my room at 4am and nearly kill myself driving hair pin turns so that I could climb 10,000 feet to see the sunrise.

Wisely, I was not told it would be near FREEZING, probably raining and we might not actually SEE the sun come up.

We arrived at the top of the crater, wrapped ourselves in towels and tried to dry out.



We waited. And waited.

Saw nothing but gray. The ranger came by and said, "That's it, folks. Not a great one today."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?!

Apparently, we were supposed to see something like this:



They need to rename the crater.

My vote: Hale-jokes-on-you-a.

Bastard sunrise, toying with me like that.

At least we got this photo - all was not lost.



On our way back down the mountain, April and Cory made us stop at every Look Out spot. I began to question their will to live. When I say it was cold outside, I mean, IT WAS COLD.



I admit it was amazing to think that just a half hour before, we were looking DOWN on this cloud....



This sign was actually posted above the toilet in one of the rest stops on the way down the mountain. It disturbed me....



April had to use the little girl's room - when we weren't near a little girl's room. She made do, nestled in nature, and came out victorious...



...more to come...

Aponex*

April, looking through all 219 of our vacation photos:

"Wow, we have moo-coo photos!"

Silence.

Me:

"I think you mean BEAU COUP photos, April. MOO-COO Photos?! MOOOOO-COOOO?!!!"

Help me.

Definition:

beau⋅coup
Pronunciation [boh-koo]

1. many; numerous; much: It's a hard job, but it pays beaucoup money.
2. large; significant: a beaucoup building project.

Aponex: the name of April's very own language. Mostly used to refer to the countless phrases she massacres on a regular basis.

Boards, Waves, Wipe Outs

Surfing has been on my must-do list since I was a teenager.

Seeing the movie Blue Crush only heightened my desire (for girls and for waves).

I got my first opportunity to try out the sport in Maui and I now understand the addiction.

A shark could nibble on my arm or leg and I'm fairly certain I'd be right back out in the water, offering up my other limbs.

It's that much fun.

April was supposed to surf with me, but due to the knee-coral injury she obtained while scuba diving, she was unable.

My 10-year-old nephew, Gage, took her place.

We were a little worried about him - but that was before he caught his first wave and rode it all the way into shore.

He totally showed me up. We have video to prove it.

I seriously thought about holding his head under water if I heard the phrase "Nice wipe out, Aunt Heather!" ONE MORE TIME.

Here we are, at Outrageous Surf, dressed in our rash guard shirts. It's amazing how donning that shirt automatically makes you credible as a surfer. At least, that's what I kept telling myself...



V-man was our instructor and he IS THE BEST. We were schooled on the sand, first...


My momentary look of panic as I considered the fact Gage might be a better surfer than me. I shook it off, figuring I was older and wiser and he wasn't a threat. I was also more stupider.



In we go...




Paddle, paddle:





Must. Stand. Up.





Of course, he popped up like this on his very first wave. Surfing Einstein...



Drum roll, please...here's our (not so great quality) video segment...





*please note: unfortunately, neither Jenny nor April were recording when I rode the MONSTER WAVE. I swear, it was like 100 feet tall. You'll just have to take my word for it.

We do have video of Gage - once I get the link, I'll post it. My ego needs a moment to recover, so this works out better anyway....

Gage and I were heartbroken when the lesson was over, but V-man promised to hook us up with more instruction if we ever make it back to paradise.





I'm totally considering uprooting our family in order to sell air-brushed t-shirts on a beach in Maui.

I'll do that and give surf lessons. Clearly I'm a pro. I'll just sub-contract out the actual lessons part to Gage....