When a gym advertises an "intense boot camp for all fitness levels," what they really mean is your $180 for the six-week class is just as green as what came out of Lily-Lives-To-Lunge's Gucci handbag.
You know Lily. She rolls up to the gym in her SUV. Perfect work-out clothes. Body that popped right back into shape after birthing adorable, rosy-faced babies. Doesn't need to use weights during the workout because the diamond on her left hand is bigger than anything the gym can provide.
Sure. Put us beginners with Lily. And by us, I mean me and my neighbor Pat.
We're three weeks in to this boot camp and only now can I pee without pain and profanity. That can't be normal. I shouldn't have to grab the window sill to lower myself onto the toilet. I shouldn't need April's help to get back up.
I'll never look at a jump rope in the same way. If you are going to require us to be all double-dutch, maybe this isn't a class for all fitness levels.
And when you say we have five seconds left, don't be changing that shit up on me. Just because I'm not breathing doesn't mean I CAN'T COUNT. That extra two seconds could mean the difference between home or hospital.
I'm also going to go out on a limb and suggest most beginners can't do one-armed push ups while alternating bringing a knee to their chest. It's sweet that we beginners are given alternate options, though. I don't feel awkward at all laying on my stomach visualizing doing a push up while others around me are grunting and clapping in between sets of 30.
Breaks. Let's talk about breaks. Sixty seconds in between sets isn't a break. It's mean. That's what it is. It takes longer than that to convince myself I'm probably not going to die.
I'm just saying.
I'm also saying Pat and I had the last laugh tonight.
After you tortured us for a solid hour, made us do lunges with zero regard for the pain we'll feel tomorrow, we waved goodbye to Lily as she pulled carrots from her bag and headed straight for Taco Bell.
Yes we did.
That'll teach you.
5 comments:
When I was working in a mall/plaza thing that often made Taco Bell the most convenient lunch option (wallet moths were taken into account), my assistant manager and I had convinced each other that you really would lose weight eating Taco Bell. It only stays with you for about 15 minutes.
OMG! I just fell out of my chair laughing at work. Even though I think Taco Bell is disgusting, I can understand what drove you there.
I've been there... well maybe not quite "there" and I'll apologize for laughing at your pain but first I'll just say thank you for bringing a great laugh to a dull Tuesday
Stina: SUCH a good point. So good, in fact, I might have to go back tonight....
Carrie: hope that fall didn't result in a bruise! :)
CAB: I'll forgive you for laughing at my pain. this one time...but only because you were having a dull Tuesday... :)
Good for you getting back into an exercise regime. Thanks for making me laugh out loud. And, oh do I feel your pain! My neighborhood gym is packed with one too many "Lily's".
Sometimes it's good to 'think outside the bun' because as Stina mentioned, it doesn't stay with you long enough to count as calories!
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