Talk Much?

I'm going to start secretly video taping April.

So that you'uns can truly get a sense of just how, um, confused she is when it comes to speaking.

Last night as we hit the open road for our trip to Bristol, April was telling me about a situation she recently dealt with that involved several professionals from different disciplines. The situation was rather intense and I had all kinds of questions.

Her response:

"I don't know, Heather. I wasn't directly involved and there were already too many Indians in the kitchen."

"April...."

"What? Oh. I messed up again, right? Is it too many chiefs in the kitchen?"

"April...."

"What? Just tell me!"

"Too many chefs in the kitchen; Too many chiefs, not enough Indians! You've managed, yet again, to splice two phrases together."

She cracks herself up. I swear. She erupted into a fit of giggles.

Every time I think there couldn't possibly any more phrases for her to massacre, she surprises me...

good times, good times.

We are in Bristol for April's family reunion and a surprise party for her Mamaw Erma. Mamaw turns 87 and we're having a big ol' shin dig. Which reminds me...I need to make sure the stripper knows where he's going and what time to show...

Unconditional.

I completely heart my mother (pictured above with Apes).

She is the best.

It's the little things.

Like...she knows it's been a long week for April and this afternoon she called to check on her.

As I type this, April is on the back patio downloading her week and getting "take care of yourself" advice from my mom.

I know it's such a small thing, but I have many friends who would be happy if their mother or father would simply ACKNOWLEDGE their partner.

Admit they have one.

The fact my mother takes it upon herself to call April and check in on her - as she would me - means more than she'll ever know.

I love you mom.

The Problem with TIVO.

Yeah, I said it.

There's a problem with TIVO.

And you know how I love my TIVO.

I should clarify.

There's a problem with TIVO if you also have a problem with sleep-talking.

Or a girlfriend who sleep-talks.

::Picture me raising my hand in the air...waving it wildly::

'Member this?

April is absolutely re-donk-u-lous after she falls asleep. I'm wise to it now, though.

I usually ignore anything she utters if it occurs after her first snore.

I used to get sucked in...assuming that because her eyes were open and she was talking to me that it meant she was awake.

Silly me.

Last week April was passed out and I actually managed to find an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit that I hadn't seen.

Halfway into the episode, a detective remarked: "These look like fresh wounds..."

From my right, I heard a noise I can only describe as a HIGHLY angry, frustrated sigh.

April kicked off the covers, buried her head in the pillow and said (with venom): "He sure says fresh a lot!"

Um. Okay.

I just stared at her. I rolled my eyes and said: "Night, Night, April."

"Night," she said, rolling over.

A few days later, a wicked storm passed through Virginia and hurled everything from hail to tornadoes our way. It was so bad that several of our friends actually slept in their closets.

I woke April up at 2am to tell her to listen to the storm.

She was very concerned. She mumbled "hurmph".

The next day, April and I were driving home from work and she couldn't wait to tell me all about the nasty storms that passed through our area. Apparently several coworkers had been talking about them and she had "no idea."

"Now wait just a minute," I said in my most authoritative tone. "I DID wake you up to share in what might have been our last moments and you could not be bothered to even talk nonsense to me."

"Oh. Well, I don't remember that."

Uh huh.

An hour or so later, April's mom called to check on us and make sure we were not affected by the storms.

April told her the whole story about how she slept through them and how I was awake and in awe of the storm.

Of course her mom wanted to know if I tried to wake and warn her.

Begrudgingly, April said yes. But I'm certain it was only because I was sitting right next to her and glaring.

Here's where the TIVO comes in.

April fell asleep and I scrolled through my PREVIOUSLY RECORDED list of shows.

I selected a program from the night before and began watching it.

Somewhere in the middle of the show, April heard the warning beep of the Emergency Alert System which just so happened to be followed by a commercial.

I began to fast forward.

"WAIT! STOP!" April yelled.

I kept fast forwarding. Not playing her sleepy-head-talky game.

"HEATHER! I WANT TO WATCH THAT!!!!"

"Watch WHAT, April?! It's a commercial!" Damn. Sucked in.

"THE STORMS!!! DO WE NEED TO RUN FOR COVER?!"

"April, these storms were from LAST NIGHT. This is TIVO!!!!"

"FINE!!! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TELL ME WHEN OUR LIVES ARE AT RISK, THEN JUST FORGET IT! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

She rolled over and went to sleep while I sat in bed and stared at the back of her head.

Incredulous.

And that, my friends, is the problem with Tivo. And girlfriends who sleep talk.

Two Words: Head Fake

I realize that Randy Pausch's Last Lecture made it's rounds several months ago, but it's still relevant. And moving. And important.

Nine months ago, this renown professor was told he had pancreatic cancer and six months to live. He tackled the news head on and gave his famous last lecture.



Everyone from Oprah to book publishers to high school seniors have been soaking up his advice on achieving childhood dreams.

Several times over the course of this week I've been reminded of Randy's lecture - and the fact that I've never actually watched it. I'd heard it's amazing. Life changing. Funny. Raw. Humbling.

But I'd never watched it. Never had "time."

Enter my reminders:

April and I have a very close friend who just lost her mother to cancer. We watched this brave woman fight to attend a wedding and hold on for word of a possible pregnancy. She passed away May 16.

Last night, I caught a news story about Randy making a surprise appearance at Carnegie Mellon's recent commencement ceremony and the response from the audience was so overwhelming and emotional that I had to watch his lecture.

Right then.

I made April log off of ESPN and Google the lecture.

It's 76 minutes, but I swear I never noticed a single moment pass. From the second he opened his mouth, I was riveted.

He's hilarious. And bigger than life.

I'm glad I made the time to watch someone with so little of it left. He inspired me.

If you haven't seen this, I urge you to watch it.

Make the time.

PS: Have your tissues ready for the last "head fake." Watch the video and this post script will make perfect sense.

April...Queen of the Corn Balls

Yesterday afternoon....

Her: "For God's sake, Heather! Slow down! You're going to get a speeding ticket!"

Me: "I can't help it. I need to get home. I have to poop!"

Her: "You're foul."

Me: "It's true, though. I think it's a valid reason to speed."

Her (a Virginia certified police officer): "Uh-huh. You wanna know the cop's response?"

Me: "Lemme hear it."

Her: "You're shit outta luck."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA