Saturday, February 19, 2011


It never ends. 

April found another phrase to jack up.

After a long afternoon at the Lasik Eye Center (I'm considering laser surgery), April proceeded to give me a hard time about not having master negotiating skills.

She's truly a master. She negotiated $3k off her surgery a few years ago and proved me wrong when I worried she'd end up with the office janitor slicing on her eyes.

During my appointment, we got them to come down $1k, but no more. Apes said it was because I came across too interested.

When I begged to differ, she rolled her eyes and said:

"Chill out. I'm just giving you beef."

Cue quizzical look.

It took me a few minutes to figure this one out.


She didn't even bother to look embarrassed.

Monday, February 14, 2011


I woke up this morning, ready to tell Apes all about the weird and disturbing dream I had.

She'd invited Tila Tequila to be the "third" in our relationship and it just wasn't working for me.

I started to explain my dismay that she'd pick Tila over Jennifer Nettles or Mariska Hargitay when she hollered back from downstairs: "Hey, babe, I really want to hear all about it, but I'm late for work. Tell me tonight?"

When I finally got out of bed a half hour later, I realized why she was running late:

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

...and my last card...a homeade card....

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Image and video hosting by TinyPic

For those wondering what kind of Valentine's Day cards April shouldn't be surprised by the theme:

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They even came with temporary tattoos - and who doesn't want their significant other covered in soccer balls, footballs and baseballs on a day of love?

I actually love the cards, especially given we just had a discussion about kid's Valentine's Day cards. I used to pick out Princess cards and April picked sports or Spiderman cards every time.

So, see, they were perfect.

I have a little surprise of my own for April. She'll find it the second she opens her car door at work :)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

She Said It.

April, April, April.

Shake your head. And love her.

Really, that's all you can do.

For example (I'll give you three):

1) On Friday night, Apes and I joined some great friends and headed to the Birchmere to see Chely Wright perform songs off her new album, Lifted Off the Ground.

Yup. We were this close.

As expected, Chely took in the crowd, made us feel like we were hanging out in her living room and even offered to call Taylor Swift to see if she'd buy us all a beer. Pretty impressive given the last time I tried to get Taylor to buy me anything, all I got was a restraining order.

But I digress.

After Chely's set, she faced a line of hundreds of fans, meeting each individually to take pictures, hear how her book, Like Me, detailing her coming out process touched them to the core, and wrap them in warm bear hugs.

I've never seen anything like it.

I interned at RCA Records in Nashville and I'm here to tell you, this kind of fan access is nearly unheard of. I watched Chely's fans sit next to her, brimming with excitement, tears, anxiety and sharing some of their most personal experiences surrounding their own coming out.

Not once did she look bored, tired, irritated or in disgust at the line that never seemed to dwindle. No  handler decided when someone's time was up. Chely just listened. Really listened. I respected her as an artist, now I have nothing but respect for her as a person.

But once again, I digress. Back to Apes.

Because Chely took so much time with each fan (she stayed until one a.m. to see us all), we had quite the wait in line. Our friend Melissa forgot to bring her CD to the concert and was diving in her purse to see what she could offer Chely to sign.

Options included a wine cork, a wallet, her phone and a plastic Tic Tac box.

Before Melissa could even pull the box completely out of her bag, Apes snapped her fingers and said:

"That one! Give her that one. Tell her how refreshing she was and ask if she'll sign your Tic Tacs!"

I groaned, but the couple in front of us hee hawed, giving Apes more motivation to continue.

She turned to them, "That was good, wasn't it? You liked it, huh?"

When they nodded yes, she turned to me.

"See! SOMEONE appreciates my humor!"

Yes. SOMEONE does. Corn ball.

Needless to say, Melissa did not approach Chely with the breath freshening treat (Although, I'm certain Chely woulda signed it). Instead, she found some paper and approached Chely without April's one-liner.

As for Apes and I, we had our own sit down with Chely, had her sign our CD and shared a bit of our own story with her.

Ya'll, support Chely. She's amazing. Buy her book. Buy her CD. You won't be sorry.

2) Apes has been wanting to collaborate on a series of children's books for quiet some time now.

Work kept me from brainstorming with her all of last year, but it's on the agenda now and she's got a new idea percolating every day.

Yesterday morning she woke me up out of a dead sleep to tell me about a new idea that would inspire children to brush their teeth.

The fact my eyes weren't open and I was mumbling something like "write it down, we'll talk later, dreaming about pasta" meant nothing to her.

"Isn't it a good idea?!"

"Yes. (and it was). Can we talk about it later? Like,  in the daylight?"

"Okay, but you promise not to BRUSH me off? Get it?! BRUSH!"

Insert April's "proud laugh" here.

She was still laughing as I drifted back to sleep.

3) We were walking into the house and April started singing a Tim McGraw song.

You know it, Indian Outlaw.

She strutted a bit, and then got to the chorus.

"I'm an Indian Outlaaaaw, son of aaaaaaaaaaa Chuck-a-tawwwwww."

I turned toward her.

"Hey, Apes?"

"Yup." She continued to strut.

"It's....I'm an Indian Outlaw, half Cherokee and Choctaw...."

She actually tried to argue with me for a minute.

I thought I was going to have to prove there is no such thing as a Chuck-a-tawwwwww tribe.

Here's when I knew she knew she was wrong.

She said....

"You're gonna start blogging again, aren't you?"

Friday, January 14, 2011

Baby Steps...

Sitting at our local coffee shop, filling out the rest of our adoption paperwork :)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

2010 Recap. Late. As Usual.

Obviously my New Year's Resolution to blog every day has been as successful as my resolution to stop cursing. Not happening, dammit. That being said, I HAVE been meaning to post our year-end-review on the blog, so here it is :) Just pretend it's still the holiday season, will ya?

Merry Merry!

So, it’s a week before Christmas and I’m not even a little bit prepared. I’m 36 years old. It’s not like I have no idea when Christmas is. Like I didn’t notice the trees, wreaths and wrapping paper in all the stores - lined up right next to the Halloween costumes. Salvation Army plus bell ringers outside of WalMart - check. Twenty-four hours of sappy holiday movies on Lifetime – check.

Yet, here I sit in my office, surrounded by a toppling mountain of unwrapped presents, a snoring dog (Snaggle) and the whir of a borrowed space heater trained on my three-month-old pedicure…and I’m wondering how it’s possible the month of December has made me it’s bitch…again.

However, I concede. But only because I’m saving my remaining energy to open the Egg Nog I bought at 7-11 this morning. I may be behind, but ain’t nothing wrong with my priorities.

2010 has been quite the year for Apes and I. She still calls Snowden Academy her home away from home, serving as a counselor and assistant director for the school. When she’s not at work or rearranging our closet/organizing our mail by size at home, she’s making a name for herself on every tennis court in town. She is on a million different teams (perhaps a slight exaggeration) and helped take one of those teams all the way to a national competition in Palm Springs, California this past November. The team didn’t just GO to nationals. They WON nationals.


The first pic was taken moments after April and her partner Matt clinched the big win. The second picture is of April and icon Billie Jean King. The third shows April posing with the celebratory banner. She spent a good amount of time trying to line up the balls in the banner with her, uh…you know. Apparently they live under her arm pits when she plays tennis.

As for me, I’m just lucky April doesn’t hate my guts for pretty much abandoning her for the better part of the year in order to take on one of the most amazing professional opportunities of my career. Habitat for Humanity International hired me to be the project lead for the 2010 Jimmy & Rosalynn Carter Work Project. The former President and his wife built alongside volunteers, homeowners and generous sponsors in six different communities (four states) in just five days this past October.

During this project, I learned the following things:

- Working 18 hour days for months on end isn’t quite as much fun as it sounds (but so worth it when you’re sitting in a golf cart with a former President or handing him a Bible to hand to a new Habitat homeowner)

- After a while, airports CAN feel a little like home

- No matter how many times you tell someone your name isn’t Jennifer, it won’t matter

- Habitat employs some of the most amazing, giving and talented people on the planet and I am thankful every day I’ve been allowed to work alongside them

With all the excitement of the past year, we also suffered a great loss. Our big dawg, Stewart, is now in heaven, jumping from one cloud of bones to another. He began to show signs of illness in September and by the end of October we found ourselves saying see-you-later to our gentle giant. We miss him every day and his stocking hangs in memory.

The other three pups (Rosie, Snaggle and Jean Paul) are doing awesome and continue to make us question how it’s possible to not have enough room on a king sized bed.

In other news, it’s with great shame that I report neither April or I have made it to the final game in Fantasy Football. We are crushed. Last year we took first and second place. Our teams, White Fluffy Bunnies (April) and Ass Master (Me) have both been laid to rest. A full revival is planned for 2011.

Here’s hoping you and yours have had a wonderful year! If we didn’t get to catch up with you this year, let’s do it soon. If we did see you, let’s do it again. We both appreciate all the special people in our lives and continue to be amazed you don’t run away screaming.

Big Love,

Heather, Apes, Rosie, Snaggle and Jean Paul